Farm to Table? More like Armed and Lethal

Current polls show that the average American moderately trusts that farmers uphold and honor standard health codes at their farms to the best of their abilities. A shocking recent investigative study has revealed incriminating news on some of America’s farmers that may change some everyday Americans’ minds.

The report dives head-first into detailed observation on hundreds of farmers across the country. The farmers in question specifically handle the cultivation of seeds that grow into plants that become the feed for much of America’s livestock – cows, chickens, and pigs.

The news you are about to hear might just make you lose your appetite.

These farmers – the kingpins who control how healthy and delicious that steak on your plate looks, which is based on the quality of the feed these animals consumed, which is based on the quality of the harvest that these farmers are held responsible to produce – these “farmers” have been observed washing their hands throughout the day with antibacterial soap.

The antibacterial soap that kills the good bacteria, too.

“I’ve got enough problems in my personal, social, spiritual, and sex life already. The last thing I need to deal with now is the fact that farmers are killing off the good bacteria and allowing their negligence to affect the little piggies and chickadoos,”

said Gretchen Dingledore, an animal rights activist from Seattle, WA.

“When I’m home alone this entire weekend, I am definitely going to write a letter to my state Congresswoman.”

When some of the farmers were confronted about their soap selection, the great majority of them seemed confused and unaware that there was an issue.

“If one more farmer washes one more hand that kills off one more good bacteria, I swear to [edited] God,”

said Johan Pringus, barista in a small neighborhood right outside of but not located in Portland, OR.

“I will drive down to the nearest farm, find the fattest farmer I can find, and eat his fat, juicy, succulent [edited] right then and there instead. Is that what they want?! Because I am dead [edited] serious and I will do it. It’s not right what they’re doing to those animals, it’s not right what they’re doing to those seeds, and it’s definitely not right what they’re doing and what they’ve already done to the good bacteria.”

Concern for what might happen next remains present as ever, and professionals in the field don’t seem to have a very positive outlook for the future on the horizon.

“These farmers don’t seem to realize the consequences of their actions. It is entirely possible that the lack of good bacteria could cause an imbalanced uprising of bad bacteria to overtake the livestock completely,”

said Ilan Mitchel-Smith, an actor who appeared in the film Weird Science in 1985.

“The animals could get devoured from inside-out from the bacterium, which would leave humans to only eat plants. Which we know they won’t do, so in essence it will lead to cannibalism… and believe me, human meat tastes disgusting. This could, no, this will result in the end of the human race altogether.”

McCormick, the manufacturer of various herbs and spices sold in national grocery stores, is developing new spices specifically for cooking human meat in order to make the inevitable cannibalization process as pleasant as it possibly can be. They are scheduled to be out in stores in December 2015.

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