“No Such Thing as The Universe” movement gaining traction in the South

Randal Dobus is a 36 year old American man, living in Bobo, Mississippi. He works full-time at a food processing manufacturing plant that produces food morsels such as shrimp niblets. He is happily married to Trixie-Rae, and they are the proud parents of their two year old son Grimace. You could say he leads a normal life. But there is one unique thing about Randal that sets him apart from the majority of inhabitants of this planet. Randal Dobus doesn’t believe in the universe, and every day there are more and more people just like him.

Randal has created the ‘Outer Space = No Such Place’ Foundation which essentially pushes the agenda that there is no such thing as the universe.

“We get told time and time again by outlets such as the media, that the difference between religion and science is that science is backed up by facts whereas religion requires having faith,” Dobus recently stated at a press conference he organized in the lobby of the Cracker Barrel in Horn Lake, Mississippi. “Here’s a fact for you: The Andromeda Galaxy is 2.5 million light-years away from the Milky Way. Why is a God-fearing man such as myself supposed to believe this statistic? Because the men with the lab coats on tell us all to trust, to have faith, to believe.”

Dobus’s grassroots movement has steadily increased in popularity along the Bible Belt states, with growing numbers of supporters showing up to his speaking events and a considerable spike in internet hits.

“NASA, the government, that black guy on the History Channel, they’re all like “You’ve got to have faith that the universe is real, trust us,” Dobus continued. “Houston, we have a problem. You’re all full of [edited]. Go back to playing with your miniature toy rocket set and your digital camera trying to fool us into believing you’re sending people up in space and onto the damn moon. The fix is in, folks.”

The lead reporter from The Clarion-Ledger, a Mississippi print and online news outlet, James “Soupy” Scrubs was in attendance at the Cracker Barrel conference and inquired, rather lightheartedly, if Randal believed in the sun.

“I believe that I see a two-dimensional yellow circle in the sky half of the day. I believe that this said circle is giving off heat of some kind. I am willing to allow that much. You know why? Because that’s real to me. I experience that. I am putting my beliefs in what I know is real,” Dobus replied. “My truck is real. My home is real. I know that my wife is real. I have sex on her, and kiss her on the mouth. But do I concede that the sun is three dimensional? An orb, a sphere? No. No I do not. Why would I? I have never gone around it completely to verify it has a three-dimensional presence.”

Dobus went on to say that if anyone is interested in joining his cause, they can add him as a friend on Myspace and start web-blogging against things such as the recent Pluto pictures.

“If you have half a brain and can see that these photos are completely doctored, then I want you on my team,” Dobus said. “I’ve seen better looking planets in the backdrop of a Pixar movie. Frickin’ Wall-E could have done a better job. Once again, the government and the media trying to distract us with this made up planet nonsense. The one thing I’ll say I do agree with them on is that Pluto is not a planet. None of them are.”

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