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“Hillary Clinton Pardons Lochte’s Behavior in Rio”

Democratic National Nominee and Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton came out in support of U.S. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte’s recent behavior in Rio De Janiero recently much to the shock of campaign staff. Hillary was heard mentioning her support for Ryan Lochte at a strategic public affairs committee meeting.

“One of our citizens was overseas and he did what he had to do. He was in the trenches of a Brazilian favela.  What are public bathrooms for if not to be anonymously vandalized? I don’t even want to begin to express my rage for the lack of a transgender bathroom at the location in question. I stand up for the vandals vote! I stand up for the bathrooms vote! And most importantly I stand up for the parents of the victims vote! God Bless American and God Bless the family of Ryan Lochte!”

Lochte was recently criticized and dropped by multiple sponsors after the fabrication of a robbery, when in fact he had just exercised his entitlement. Lochte’s family lawyer has repeatedly tried to bring to light Ryan’s low level of mental capacity as cause for the blame.

“He’s a swimmer not a rocket scientist. Ryan is currently reading at 6th grade level and we hope to further continue his education. He does not and has not ever displayed the mental capacity of someone his age. Did you see his hair in Rio?“

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