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Can’t-Miss Shit at Lollapalooza 2015

Lollapalooza starts today and if you’re like me you’ll want to milk that bitch for all she’s worth. Here’s a list of the top five things you have to check out while you’re at Lolla this weekend:

  1. Your 8 year old neighbor rolling on Ecstasy. What could be better than watching the youth of America chomping on little yellow pills and then zig-zagging through the crowd while spilling their pop on you? Not much, I tell you, not much.
  2. Buckingham Fountain. When else will you be able to swim in the historic fountain that was stolen from Buckingham after the Americans crushed the British with the help of all of those native Chicagoans, the Potawatomi? Never.
  3. The forest full of hammocks. Who doesn’t love a good hammock? Hammocks are basically the best piece of furniture to lounge in, maybe aside from the love sac. From your rope bed you will be able to swing and nap to your heart’s desire, while listening to a lovely combination of screaming pre-teens and whatever shitty band is playing at Perry’s stage.
  4. Hand crafted selfie stick substitutes. Asian tourists everywhere planning on attending this year’s fest shed an ocean from their eyeballs when the ban on selfie sticks was imposed this year. Festival-goers flocked to Pinterest to find inspiration for their very own incognito selfie sticks, to ensure that all of their duck faced moments will be successfully documented. Some of the creative selfie stick alternatives are made out of prosthetic limbs, strapped to the body upon festival entrance or elephant ivory, tied around the neck, acting as jewelry until the selfie streak begins. (No elephants were harmed in the making of these selfie sticks, it is reported that the ivory was purchased from Amazon and not the black market.)
  5. A hippie giving birth. The dedication to attending one of Chicago’s top summer events has increased over the years, and one Uptown resident refuses to miss the fest, despite currently being in labor. Willow Sunshine has apparently holed up under a shady tree near the BMI stage in hopes that her first born child, to be named Butterfly Rainbow, will make her appearance during the Bear’s Den performance later this afternoon. If the show ends without any cheers from Butter, Willow and her husband Magnus plan to relocate to Perry’s to see DJ Snake. The short commute will be quick work, as they will be guided by Snake’s inspirational lyrics “All we need is somebody to lean on.” (No word on if they will also be blowing kisses and firing guns.)

Happy Lolla people!

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